The love doesn't die
The 24th will be 2 years now since my oldest son, Christopher, passed away. Yes it hurts as much, maybe even more because I've had more time to miss him. I see him everywhere. If we go on a drive I think "Chris would have loved this scenery." If I go to the store I see some trinket he would have loved, a tee shirt, a dragon, some Japanese item. He is always there.We talk about him just about daily. Brian mentioned him last night and how he could perform ventriquolism with gas.
We had our arguments as he became a teen like most parents and kids, funny how you remember every single one but the laughter doesn't come as easy. I think about when he first got very sick and how the company ignored him, how Workmen's Comp in WV absolutely ignored the claim, still have. I think about all the gross negligence in his care and that was ignored as well. Once as he lie in bed, stomach had been removed, weight down to 87 pounds, one doctor told him to "shut up and eat." I reported him, the state took his side. I tried my best to let him know he mattered, that the things done to him were wrong, and in the end he didn't matter to anybody but me. He died the same day as Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett. You didn't see much on her but Michael was all over the TV. I guess he mattered.
When Chris was in the hospital the last time he told me he just wanted to come home and rest. He'd just found out his wife was having an affair, and found out while she told him she was at work, she was making drug runs across the Mexican border with her boyfriend. He found out because she got caught. She tried to say it was because she was trying to make money for him, I called the prosecutor myself. The judge didn't do a lot, after all she's such a tiny little thing, she gets out in October. Her sons say she hasn't even contacted them. She's in one of America's top ten posh prisons, this one in California. All the while my boy is using borrowed insulin and didn't tell me because I hadn't been out of the hospital too long. His insulin was 100. a bottle. He had been on SSI and waited for the state of Arizona to approve his medical card for 2 years. They told him they were inundated with illegals, they just couldn't help him. His teeth had been destroyed from throwing up so much, he had an abscess develop that he cut open with a knife. He didn't tell me until right before he died. Tried to get free help and was told it was full of Mexicans, over a year's waiting list. While in the hospital he told me he wondered if his dad would stop and see him, he didn't. He lived very close yet this sick boy would have to walk in 110 degree heat to the store to try and get something to eat. He tried to call his brother in D.C. He never once returned calls, he made the quote that what Jenny did (Chris's wife) could harm his career. He boo hoo'd after Chris died but it didn't mean much to me. Now he has only his career. Chris's grandmother told him his wife "ruined the family." Yeah like that family didn't have any shadows. Chris cried so hard about it and the stress was what put him back in the hospital for the last time. He tried to tell them Mayo said if he got sick again, he needed his sphincter, the one just at the opening of what stomach he had, removed. They told him they'd never heard of that. I sent them an official fax with records, still they ignored him. The night he was discharged, nobody out there would pick him up. As sick as he was and throwing up, he had to ride the bus. I received word the next evening he passed away with his dog lying at his side. You know it's not the illness that hurts me as much as the indifference. My heart aches for how he must have felt. I had told him please hold on, I was trying to find a way to go get him but I was so sick too - I didn't care I was trying so hard.
After he died they did an autopsy and I read the report and it was wrong. They put he had his stomach removed for weight loss. I wrote to the coroner to correct the record with a copy of the surgery report, she didn't answer back. Just another case of he didn't matter enough. I asked for his dog because Bob and I got her for him, Allie, his guarding angel. At first they said yes and a dear friend of mine was going to fly her back here to me. Then my ex in one of his usual asshole moments sent her back to Oregon with Chris's wife while she awaited trial. Last I heard was they may have to shoot her because she was so leary of strangers, which there are a lot of since the girl's mother we heard is a dealer. Chris went there once and said it was so bad he couldn't breathe. I worry about Jason, my step grandson. He came to us when he was only 2.
Many times Chris tried to leave her. Each time he did he got healthier and would feel so well he would tell me he wanted to go to cooking school. No matter how bad he was, he talked about how he wanted to go back to work and his plans for the future. He never ever gave up until that last day. Then she would come back and he'd let her in, he said only because he loved his step-son so. When she got arrested and he wanted to come home he told me he didn't know if he could take care of him alone anymore but he couldn't just leave him. She'd used him for a babysitter for years. But that's over now.
People say they can't imagine how it hurts to lose a child, and no you can't. You can remember when you found out he was on the way, the first kick. How scared you were as a first-time mother every time they cried. The first time they said "da da" or "ma ma". Chris spoke in full sentences by the time he was 8 months old, walked shortly after. Took apart his first radio when he was a year old. He was so smart, and so good hearted. He never spoke ill of anybody. God I miss that laugh and that sense of humor. The world is so empty, and it seems like there are only a few of us who remember. I see on his myspace page his old online friends will put a message, another still cries when she talks to me. One of the hardest things is that people do forget. Nobody asks you how you are or about your child, some are scared, some just don't care. My very special cousin had a son who died just before mine and sometimes I feel like she is the only one who understands the pain. It's okay son, we remember, and we miss you so much and love you.
RIP Christopher Matthew Holmes, 12/15/80, born Thomas Hospital in South Charleston. Died June 24, 2009, Tucson, Arizona. Buried with his beloved great grandfather in Sissonville, WV. He said this grandfather game to him many times while in the hospital and would tell him it was okay, but the last time he didn't see him. Papaw knows when it's too much and it's time. We love you and miss you too Harold, take care of my baby.
We had our arguments as he became a teen like most parents and kids, funny how you remember every single one but the laughter doesn't come as easy. I think about when he first got very sick and how the company ignored him, how Workmen's Comp in WV absolutely ignored the claim, still have. I think about all the gross negligence in his care and that was ignored as well. Once as he lie in bed, stomach had been removed, weight down to 87 pounds, one doctor told him to "shut up and eat." I reported him, the state took his side. I tried my best to let him know he mattered, that the things done to him were wrong, and in the end he didn't matter to anybody but me. He died the same day as Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett. You didn't see much on her but Michael was all over the TV. I guess he mattered.
When Chris was in the hospital the last time he told me he just wanted to come home and rest. He'd just found out his wife was having an affair, and found out while she told him she was at work, she was making drug runs across the Mexican border with her boyfriend. He found out because she got caught. She tried to say it was because she was trying to make money for him, I called the prosecutor myself. The judge didn't do a lot, after all she's such a tiny little thing, she gets out in October. Her sons say she hasn't even contacted them. She's in one of America's top ten posh prisons, this one in California. All the while my boy is using borrowed insulin and didn't tell me because I hadn't been out of the hospital too long. His insulin was 100. a bottle. He had been on SSI and waited for the state of Arizona to approve his medical card for 2 years. They told him they were inundated with illegals, they just couldn't help him. His teeth had been destroyed from throwing up so much, he had an abscess develop that he cut open with a knife. He didn't tell me until right before he died. Tried to get free help and was told it was full of Mexicans, over a year's waiting list. While in the hospital he told me he wondered if his dad would stop and see him, he didn't. He lived very close yet this sick boy would have to walk in 110 degree heat to the store to try and get something to eat. He tried to call his brother in D.C. He never once returned calls, he made the quote that what Jenny did (Chris's wife) could harm his career. He boo hoo'd after Chris died but it didn't mean much to me. Now he has only his career. Chris's grandmother told him his wife "ruined the family." Yeah like that family didn't have any shadows. Chris cried so hard about it and the stress was what put him back in the hospital for the last time. He tried to tell them Mayo said if he got sick again, he needed his sphincter, the one just at the opening of what stomach he had, removed. They told him they'd never heard of that. I sent them an official fax with records, still they ignored him. The night he was discharged, nobody out there would pick him up. As sick as he was and throwing up, he had to ride the bus. I received word the next evening he passed away with his dog lying at his side. You know it's not the illness that hurts me as much as the indifference. My heart aches for how he must have felt. I had told him please hold on, I was trying to find a way to go get him but I was so sick too - I didn't care I was trying so hard.
After he died they did an autopsy and I read the report and it was wrong. They put he had his stomach removed for weight loss. I wrote to the coroner to correct the record with a copy of the surgery report, she didn't answer back. Just another case of he didn't matter enough. I asked for his dog because Bob and I got her for him, Allie, his guarding angel. At first they said yes and a dear friend of mine was going to fly her back here to me. Then my ex in one of his usual asshole moments sent her back to Oregon with Chris's wife while she awaited trial. Last I heard was they may have to shoot her because she was so leary of strangers, which there are a lot of since the girl's mother we heard is a dealer. Chris went there once and said it was so bad he couldn't breathe. I worry about Jason, my step grandson. He came to us when he was only 2.
Many times Chris tried to leave her. Each time he did he got healthier and would feel so well he would tell me he wanted to go to cooking school. No matter how bad he was, he talked about how he wanted to go back to work and his plans for the future. He never ever gave up until that last day. Then she would come back and he'd let her in, he said only because he loved his step-son so. When she got arrested and he wanted to come home he told me he didn't know if he could take care of him alone anymore but he couldn't just leave him. She'd used him for a babysitter for years. But that's over now.
People say they can't imagine how it hurts to lose a child, and no you can't. You can remember when you found out he was on the way, the first kick. How scared you were as a first-time mother every time they cried. The first time they said "da da" or "ma ma". Chris spoke in full sentences by the time he was 8 months old, walked shortly after. Took apart his first radio when he was a year old. He was so smart, and so good hearted. He never spoke ill of anybody. God I miss that laugh and that sense of humor. The world is so empty, and it seems like there are only a few of us who remember. I see on his myspace page his old online friends will put a message, another still cries when she talks to me. One of the hardest things is that people do forget. Nobody asks you how you are or about your child, some are scared, some just don't care. My very special cousin had a son who died just before mine and sometimes I feel like she is the only one who understands the pain. It's okay son, we remember, and we miss you so much and love you.
RIP Christopher Matthew Holmes, 12/15/80, born Thomas Hospital in South Charleston. Died June 24, 2009, Tucson, Arizona. Buried with his beloved great grandfather in Sissonville, WV. He said this grandfather game to him many times while in the hospital and would tell him it was okay, but the last time he didn't see him. Papaw knows when it's too much and it's time. We love you and miss you too Harold, take care of my baby.
Oh Sherry, my heart aches for you! I did not realize his death was so recent! He went thru hell! Now he is in Heaven! Nothing I can say will make you feel better. No parent should have to bury a child!
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