I'm super tired right now.  Having more heart issues and it occurred to me I have no doubt I will die either at my desk or in my chair.  It's coming, no doubt.

Sometimes I wonder how people get so lucky to have help and support.  I was watching guys put on roofs for free and I can't even get a wheelchair ramp. I often wonder what I did in my last life that has karmal so dead on finishing me off.

I was raised by my grandparents.  Mom left my dad when she found out he was a car thief and bigamist and went to prison.  My granddad wouldn't let her come back home so she went to stay with a sister.  It should be known my granddad shot and killed my grandmother's first husband, she had 2 daughters and was pregnant with the third (born with a birthmark where he was shot).  He was wealthy and my granddad wanted in on it.  After he killed him and it was ruled suicide (shooting in the back with a shotgun) he raped her and told her if she didn't marry him he would have her kids taken away.  She was profoundly happy the rest of her life.  I lived with them until I was 10 and they became alcoholics.  He was a drinker when they first got married and used to beat her. I have pics of her with black eyes and one with a broken back. She hid in my room once when he was after he and he took an ax to the door.  He finally did strangle her to death after a night of drinking. 

After this I had to go live with mom and my stepdad.  I would visit them for weekends maybe once a month and didn't think anything was odd about it.  I found out later my stepdad hated my guts over my dad.  Mom never got over my dad and he used to call her when he was on the road and they would just laugh.  My stepdad was abusive to her, he beat her so bad once I thought she would die.  I called his father to come and help and he hung up on me.  Nobody would help her.  Later he did things I haven't forgotten. We had Norwegian elk hounds and he let her have puppies and then took them off and put them out.  Later he killed our dog Frisky because she growled and she ran to me with a bullet wound in her head and he dragged her off and shot her again. He chained his dog up on a porch and it hung trying to get loose.  I hated him.  He was always mad all the time.  I stayed gone most of the time. Once he sent me to stay with his aunt and it was awful. She had lots of cats so imagine the smell. I never knew why he did that.  He also was abusive to my little sister and beat her mercilessly.  Mom had a baby girl and he propped her bottle in her mouth and she drowned. Mom lost 2 others. It is important to note she had her first cancer at 18 and had it repeatedly.  She felt a little better at 33 and he finally let her go to work and she planned to leave him, then it hit again with a vengeance.  She died at age 35, I was 16.  It was just before my prom and we had been planning to go look for a dress.   When she died I had to leave right then and there. I found out after I left he started dating a stripper who would show my little sister pictures of mom in the casket and say "there's your mom, what can she do to help you now?"  He told everybody I left because I was a drug addict and the cops were after me, I didn't find this out until way later and to this day there were neighbors we had that will not speak to me now and all of my family members.

I had started working at 14 and when mom died my granddad had remarried a former neighbor who knew my grandmother, who was a lounge whore married 7 times.  They let me stay about 90 days then I had to go.  I got an apartment while still in high school and working.  I would walk 11 miles to catch the bus to go to town to work, 5 days a week no matter what the weather. I maintained being on the honor roll during all this and my friends were my world.  It was very lonely, once his wife called me at Thanksgiving just to tell me what they were eating.  All I could afford was a small package of ham and a loaf of bread every payday.  I couldn't afford all utilities so I had to forego gas (no heat and no hot water).  I would wash clothes on my hands and hang them out to dry and they would freeze and then I would stand them inside to dry.

While working for EMS I met and was engaged to the love of my life. I'd had a long-time boyfriend who I was engaged to, but he developed mental issues and wrecked my car.  This one was so special and I loved him so and we were engaged.  I had sworn I would never have my kids around drinkers knowing how it felt to grow up around them.  My grandparents used to get me up  in the middle of the night to play the organ and sing for their drunken friends (I sang when young, home, church, etc).  Anyway one night I called to see when he would be home from work and I could hear his coworkers behind him (he also worked EMS) egging him on and he said he was going out with them drinking and didn't know when he would be home.  Right then and there I packed my things and moved in with a coworker who also worked EMS.  I had no contact with him after that.

I met my first husband who volunteered as a driver for EMS.  Met him at an employee party and they had used my high stereo for the music and he helped me get it home afterwards and we started seeing each other.  Right after that I didn't feel so hot and went to the doctor and found out I was 6 months pregnant by fiance and told this one I understood if he wanted to leave and he didn't.  We ended up getting married.  His mom and grandmother didn't like me and once his mom offered him (fake) a 5000 check to leave me. Turns out my step grandmother told them I worked and gave all my money to men and was a whore.  I had very close male and female friends, nothing more.  My grandfather in law was an amazing man, always on my side. He loved my son more than his blood grandson and they were inseperable.

In 1985 my husband, who wouldn't keep a job, decided we would go to Texas.  By now I had my second son, first born in 80, second in 1983.  I had to give up everything and we took a bus to Dallas.  We were there about a year when he decided he was quitting because they didn't promote him fast enough.  We went to Boulder, CO and quickly he said they were too liberal (he worked as a corrections deputy everywhere).  We did get to travel all around and take the boys to historic sites.  I found out he was having an affair with a coworker there.  I once went to pick him up from work and he was in the car with her and said he was comforting her.  

From there he wanted to go to FL and we did, he worked for Florida State Prison when Bundy was there and i worked the officer's bar and grill right outside the gates.  Again they didn't promote him fast enough so he wanted to leave. Truth was he would never shut up and was a know it all and nobody liked him.  We had two more kids by this time and i lose one besides those two.  About this time my oldest fell ill and went from being an A student to nearly failing and we took him to several doctors who misdiagnosed him as being lazy, having the flu, etc.  He was finally diagnosed by a doc in the box.  We moved to Titusville and he worked in the prison in Orlando.  We lived in a high rise across from Nasa and could watch the lift offs from our balcony.  He got in trouble at work because he caught one of his superiors stealing from a store and going to the counter to get a refund (he worked security).  I did make readies for the high rise, pool cleaning and upkeep and had a paper route.  We were broken in on by a black male when we went to a one story place and had our car stolen.  Now he decided he wanted to go to Nebraska so here I am with 3 sons and a newborn daughter driving him up there to stay in a shelter and start work.   On the way back I got so sick truckers drove on either side and blew their horns to keep me awake.  He rarely called while there and acted rather odd.  When I finally got to join him he was *different* and I found out he had been sleeping with a coworkers wife (guy let him stay with them).  He told me it wasn't adultery because he would wake up getting BJs. She was a neighbor near our duplex and he would bring her over.  Her husband ended up leaving her.

Nebraska was nice but my oldest became more ill and started having frequent and long term hospitalizations due to hisk diabetes.  Again he decided he wanted to leave and took us to Louisiana to a godawful little town with cigarette houses and one restaurant, mosquitos big enough to ride. I told him no way, I would take the kids and go to WV on my own.  We did go back and found out his dad had terminal prostate cancer. He never cared for his dad, considered him *too country.*  I loved him to death.  Ex didn't like his grandfather either, said he wasn't good to him.  

I wanted to go meet him and he said I wouldn't like him, he was mean.  I loved him and he took my oldest around showing him the smoke house, how to dowse for water, etc (this was when my son was 2).  

I had been working at Lincoln Memorial and when we went back to WV I got a job immediately at a local hospital.  He went to work for the state police as a dispatcher and my love of my life was there a lot and he met him, brought him home and told him about my oldest (I had never told him).  Anyway he eventually wanted to quit work and go back to college and told me if I supported him he would then let me go. I got a really good hospital job about 20 mi from the University.  During this time the oldest was so sick (another blog) and the bills were over a half million.  Since he didn't work, somebody told him we should divorce and say he has custody so I don't get sued, so we did and the only stipulations were I paid child support, paid for his car, rent and he only had to pay for insurance, which he never did.  I had to work such hours to pay for everything I missed a lot of my kids growing up for 3 years and i hate it.  While he was going to school he met a married woman and they started an affair.  She would call early mornings and he told me he was her tutor, which was odd because he was failing.  I started college as well and she would put nasty notes on my truck.  I worked 80 hour weeks and carried 21 hours.  Other people told me she did that a lot, would have affairs so her husband would lure her back with diamonds and such.  We had totally split by this time and I bought my own home.  After about a year he apologized, said they had split for good and wanted to come home. I told him he could stay and sleep on the couch but no phone calls or any contact, that didn't last.  I finally told her if she didn't stay away her husband would find out.  She didn't and he did and he divorced her.  I made him leave to he went to stay with his mother and then decided to move to FL.  So here I am a few hours from graduation and he wants to take the kids and go to FL.  

I had me my now husband by then so after we married we went to FL also.  He is another piece of work, told me he was wealthy and turns out he didn't work.  Told me hisl girlfriend was his landlady and after we married I found emails he sent her.  My oldest was so ill and needed so much help with the kids I just overlooked it all.  Even on our honeymoon he had an affair.  I ended up throwing him out and divorcing him, dropped him at the bus station and said good riddance.  About a year later he cried and apologized and said he was sorry and all that.  He ended up taking off probably 4-5 times. He seemed to get more settled.  I worked 2-3 jobs to support everybody and he was on disability and sat on the computer all day long.  As time went on I found out I had Chiari (another blog) and the brain surgery left me paralyzed. l lost my house and car and new truck and ended up in a very old apartment but we made due.  A few months after being paralyzed my oldest passed away and I couldn't even go to the burial and my ex of course told everybody I didn't go because there was nothing in it for me.  He used to call 2-3 times a week just to talk but I never spoke to him again after that.  Current husband and I used to buy his groceries and help him out a lot.  He had remarried and put her in bankruptcy, she had abused her 2 kids and abused 2 of mine and it was reported and they were found guilty and ordered to take parenting classes and instead they took off to Arizona.  He even told my youngest son he never loved him and caused him great mental issues (guess who got the brunt of those?).  Nothing like being beaten by your own child.

i learned to walk again with crutches, taught myself to write, etc.  I had lost all recent memory and had great work finding difficulty.  About 7 years after this I broke my foot.  I was taking care of my first husband's mother who he left in the hospital when he found out she had cancer and she asked him to help with house bills.  I was carrying a huge load of clothes up 19 steps and broke my foot.  I couldn't feel it due to post paralysis syndrome, but by the next day it turned black. Went to my doctor and he thought it was liver disease and drew labs.  Week later it was still black so I went to the ER and they diagnosed cellulitis, another week of walking on it and went back and they found Charcot foot.  Another blog but the idiot who did surgery put me in a wheelchair where I am today, and ruined my life.

My second oldest as soon as he graduated college and was to take me to Japan for getting him thorugh school, was told by my ex that I used to beat him nicely and even made him sleep outside because he had red hair.  He even had to go to therapy for this.  When I saw him after a decade he told me he hopes I die and his friends will never know about me.  I told him it never happened but he believes his dad, even though he knows he is so nuts he tried to have him committed.  His dad ruined his life, he went from being so much fun and we were so close, to being a bitter ugly grownup.  He said the most awful things to my daughter.  It's very sad.

So here I am, can't hardly get out because of no wheelchair ramp, can't go anywhere alone because of the chair.  No handicap bathroom and have had falls.  Still working even though my bad leg turns dark purple and now have had 3 myocardial infarctions and have gone through 7 doctors trying to get help.  Care is horrible here in this state, which I hate. i stay depressed. Spouse is sundowning and stays outside in his building on the internet all day long and gets mean in the evening.  He calls me horrible names and makes fun of me.  He reminds me of my stepdad.  I try to ignore it but some days it hits me and my heart hurts.  Lately I've been having spells where my vision goes black and he would never know if I drop.  My daughter is in Germany, one son is here.  Here I sit with two men in the house who are both so mean.  I'm tired, so very tired.  I'm 64 and will never get to retire and I know I will drop at my desk. I sleep in a recliner due to my back, no hospital bed, with my chihuahua, my reason for living right now.  I just don't get it, I have helped so many people, even relatives I didn't know very well and it all blows up in my face. My hope is to just fall asleepll and remain so.  Tired of being ill, tired of being lonely, tired of being abused. Tired of wanting a bathl, tired of wanting to walk and to travel, just tired. 

It is to be noted the ex cheated on his second wife and has gone through a string of women, tells them all the same story that they believe until he wipes out their money and takes off, then they want to talk.  Some have been very sweet women who I felt bad for. Nobody deserves him.