Time Goes By

 I was watching a home improvement show with Ben and Erin and it always makes me cry.  He is so gentle and caring, she is so happy.  A young couple was moving into their first home with a baby on the way. I remember the excitement of a future like that with a spouse and a house full of noise, the projects, etc.  Here I sit along nearly all the time with no future plans and not a thing to look forward to.  My youngest son has explosive disorder which he won't have treated and 2 weeks ago he tried to kill me.  Concussion, two hematomas on my head, cracked left rib, left shoulder damage.  Third time for an attack and the worst.  He actually told me to get up so he could finish. Took me over an hour to get off the floor.  He never apologizes either, very smug like I deserved it - maybe I did who knows.  My entire life has been like this, alone, abuse, sadness and it won't change now.  My spouse doesn't talk, cuts me off when I try, calls me endless names.  My ex turned m second oldest against me with lies - he always said that son would support him and he made sure of it and here's another ex girlfriend wanting info, it gets very old.  My life right now is just loving my dog.  My daughter is in Germany so no more rides and laughing I can't even go anywhere alone since the injury.  I could survive with the injury under different circumstances but it won't change so now just waiting to not wake up.  Can't even get a ramp built.  

All the good parts are just memories, picking paint, picking furniture, buying for the kids, loud dinners with a house full of people, now has turned to crying a lot, missing people, headaches, body aches, knowing next time he probably will kill me.