Triggers

The way I was raised is not to show emotion, no crying, nothing.   I lived with my grandparents until I was 12, then went home to mom and stepdad.  She was sick a lot with on and off cancer and he flat hated me.  He was extremely abusive to her and once nearly beat her to death.  I took my sister and called his father for help but he only said it "wasn't his business."  

We had a mixed breed dog that looked more like a retriever named Frisky.  She was a darling dog.  We had a very long driveway and she got to where she would bark at people and somebody complained so he lost his shit.  My sister and I were next door playing and we heard a shot and all of a sudden Frisky ran to me and looked up and had a hole in her head.  He came and grabbed her by the neck and drug her back screaming and shot her again.  We didn't cry, I stayed pretty much numb growing up.  We were watching Evil Lives Here and the father killed a dog and it all came flooding back and I cried for the first time and it's been nearly 50 years.  You would think you would forget some things but you don't and it has stayed with me forever.  It is hard to cry here because my spouse is verbally abusive so I can't show weakness here either.  I miss my friends, we had a group of us always together and it got us away from our families.