the world goes by

I lost my best friend a year ago, her birthday would have been the 28th.  As we get older we watch loved ones, friends, and pets go to the other side.  When Kay and I were young, we never thought about what would become of us or who would go first. She was like my sister or an extension of me.  We knew everything about each other and spent all the time at one or another's home. For a bit she couldn't come to my grandparents house because of the drinking.  She came to mom's quite often.  We lived probably 5 miles or more apart so we would both take off on our bikes to meet up.  We would fix chef boy r dee pizza and watch tv or listen to music.  We spent summers at Summersville lake.  I remember once we were parked out in the woods partying and she had to pee so we told her to go in front of the vehicle so she would know where we were and she did, and we turned the lights on and all had a good laugh.  We would walk up and down the *holler* with a lawnmower and cut yards for money, sometimes getting $10 which was well enough for cigarettes, weed, and beer.  We went on vacation together in Missouri and had a great time.  We rode the paddlewheel and the captain leg me drive.  We went to silver dollar city and had a tin type made.  We met boys of course at the pool.  We cleaned houses and for her mom and my mom of course it was free.  We ran around with our best guy friends, Greg and Derb.  I didn't know at the time Derb was in love with me, even though he told me in my yearbook.  I was engaged to Keith and her to a guy we called Hairy Man - I don't even remember why we called him that.  We used to record ourselves on 8 track tapes, man would I love to hear one of them again.  We also made music tapes between commercials, trying hard not to catch the commercials.  ASt school we would also catch a buzz outside first hall.  It was so cold once that we went into the bathroom and she sat down in a trash can and got stuck and we laughed so hard.  We used to fake cramps to get her dad to make us hot toddies and once he told us we were going to bleed to death.  He let us take his bass boat out on the lake.  We would swim and once she got her toe stuck in a fish skeleton and it was so damned funny.  We laughed so much.  Most of us had dysfunctional families.  My grandparents turned into alcoholics so I stayed gone.  One cold winter I had stayed at her house over the weekend and my pawpaw wouldn't give me a ride so I had to walk the few miles home in the cold and snow.  There was an old brick building on the way and I remember thinking if I could just sit down on the steps and rest a bit I might be okay.

Our friend Greg had a privileged life but his parents were distant.  They slept in seperate rooms and his dad never said much at all.  His mom was a big riding buff and they had horses.  I saw him through all of his girlfriends and we always made it clear to boyfriends/girlfriends that we were best friends and nothing would separate us.  He went on to become an alcoholic and I imagine still is, he is still not happy in this world.  Derb's mother was so sweet but very ill.  One of her sons told me he believed she had HIV from a blood transfusion. I would go to his house on Saturdays and we would get high and listen to music, go play backgammon at the local college bar, play tennis, and just be together and make each other smile.  We were all like the breakfast club, everybody had issues at home and together we were okay.  We never thought it would be this way.  She is gone, which hurts my heart so.  Greg and wife were alcoholics with children who got in trouble.  Derb met a girl and had a son and she disappeared while he was in class.  Second wife already had a kid, and they had a son and she cheated on him.  When he had his stroke I was there with him at the hospital and the expected him to be a vegetable.  When he woke up he had aphasia but managed to smile and say *bitch* and I knew he was in there.  His wife showed up in a cocktail dress and told him she had a date.  I made many trips to be with him when he was in rehab.  Once we were setting on the bed watching football and his legs had been paralyzed and he moved one and nudged me and we were both so happy.  In later years he begged to live with me and he did and it was nice to give him some trips and happiness.  Unfortunately he attempted to take it further and then had anger issues and had to go to a nursing home, which hurts my heart.  I managed to find one of his sons, who promised to go see him and take his granddaughter, and never did.  I ended up in this marriage which has been very hurtful.  Who ever thought we would end up this way.  I was watching Breakfast Club and they talked about losing your heart when you grow older.  I think it's because we go through so much shit that we try to protect ourselves and our emotions, but the heart is still there, just dormant.  I miss our group, we were all so very close and I especially miss the laughter, hard belly laughs.  So many friends gone. I had a good friend named Randy who I didn't know was gay and who died of AIDS.  Other close friends I lost contact with, some passed away, and now is the time I think about the other side.  I read the obits and in my physical state, which won't get better, I just think about what's this life for.  It's very lonely.  My oldest passed and every day it hurts.  My second oldest and I were so close until he was to graduate master's school and his dad convinced him he has repressed memories of being beaten.  He lives 45 minutes away and my daughter and husband live with him so I'm not allowed to visit.  She is ill and that worries me daily.  I always thought since I really had no family my children would fill in the gaps but that's hurtful and lonely too. My youngest son and wife live with us and I worry about him a lot.  Sometimes you get tired of the hurt.