I think at some point you reconcile your life.  Calmly and with decision.

I was always very active, working on houses, etc.  Having 4 kids it was hard to find a place move-in ready, they didn't believe my kids weren't destructive.  All was going well until 2008, when I knew I had developed a Chiari malformation.  It took over a year to get diagnosed, then I had an incompetent doctor who destroyed my life.  I could no long walk like a normal person, had trouble thinking, finding words, etc.  I then developed tremendous pain from being post paralytic, with no help.  My left Achilles became so tight I couldn't move my foot and went to the doctor 3 times without even an examination.  It finally snapped trying to get away from my former mother in law.

Let's talk about her. She was horrible to me when I was married to her son. She offered him a 5,000 check to leave me when I was pregnant.  She told people I was a drug addict whore.  She refused to help us with any babysitting even though 2 boys had been mistreated.  She was sleeping with 3 men, Jack, Bill, and John, all the same time. She would tell her parents her car broke down and take money and go buy Agner purses.  She studied Scientology, said she could write backwards and channel dead people.  She nearly went to prison for a scheme where she worked at an apartment complex and they would order appliances, supposedly for units, and sell them off the truck.  Not sure how she got out of it unless it was her "friendship" with A James Mansion.  When I was working 2 and 3 jobs and trying to keep my son alive, she was very vocal to her friends she was coming to help her poor little grandson, and never showed.  He told me not to let him be buried next to her.

Well here she sits in my house now for 3 years.  Left stuck in the hospital because her own family couldn't stand her. I have confronted her many times about things she said and did and her reply was that she didn't know her son would every lie to her.  This shit came up while we were together.  I can't stand her, I detest her, she sucks the life out of you.  With my current illness, has she ever once helped straighten up? No, of course not, her bursitis is acting up. Fucking bitch.

So my husband is abusive, very much mentally.  He's always angry.  Month ago I was trying to carry laundry, heavy, and heard a pop. Next day my foot was swollen, purple and deformed.  Went to my doc and he misdiagnosed me.  Went to the ER, doctor misdiagnosed me.  13 days later PA x-rayed it and found it's broke all to shit. Orthopedist said no reason to fix it, but I said how will I ever wear a shoe?  So I had surgery..nurse anesthetist ignored orders of anesthetist and told me she will do what she wants and she did, and couldn't swallow for a week and finally woke up 3 days later.  I asked my surgeon to get with the Pain Clinic to coordinate meds, asked 3 times, he didn't.

My foot has bled and drained from day 1. Had one emergency dressing change and then others. My right shoulder went out, couldn't even move it. Lived with it 4 days before calling an ambulance. They made me walk up the steps.  Said I had the worse surgeon in town. Got to the hospital and they were told to dump me, in my gown, into a wheelchair and left me in the ER.  PA came in and wouldn't even open her eyes when she talked to you. I asked her to check my foot and she said it "wasn't her problem" and refused.  So back home, foot is purple with white dead peeling skin, drainage, looks like bolt is coming through.  I was telling my husband it worries me and he told me quit bitching, it's my fault.

I had a dream I was riding my motorcycle, never felt so free.  It was me, this isn't me.  I think if the dog hadn't woke me up I'd have run into my son, and it that's the other side I'm ready.  It's a little sad but would be a lot better. I know first thing in the morning I will be screamed at and last thing before bed.  This is not a life. I can't clean up after everybody so what good am I.  I am really ready just to go to sleep and be done with it.  I know my foot is becoming gangrenous and will eventually cause sepsis, so I wait patiently.  I wish I'd had a happy life, seems like everything was wrong all the time no matter how hard I tried. Blamed for so much, lied on, cursed, you name it.  If I'm asleep this is all gone and I'm free, nothing hurts, and my heart knows nothing.  I love my children.