Here we are at another holiday. I get awfully down this time of year. I miss Chris year round but it's always worse. I miss Tony too, haven't seen him since 2006 or so. Surgery coming up next week, not looking forward to that.
We went to see the Mr. Rogers movie. I cried all the way through. It's like when you get older, all the stuff you bottled up for a lifetime just hits and you wish you had somebody that gentle to confide in. You go through life pretending nothing mattered and ignoring what happened to you and then boom, there it all is and out it comes down your cheek.
First time in decades I'm not cooking. Lindsay and Shawn have work so only a few of us here. I just don't have the spirit to do it this time. I miss them and miss my other granddaughter a lot. Odd how it gets lonesome even with other people in the house, but I do.
I had hoped to hit the lottery before surgery to make sure I left them a pile of money, no such luck. Just some little life insurance policies.
Even my ex comes to mind. Had he not have lost his mind, we would be here enjoying kids and grandkids and getting old together. I know it wasn't my fault what he did, but doesn't make it any better. His actions affected everybody else too and it wan't fair to the kids. Oh to have a do over on everything. I think about my son who died and wonder if I could have changed it all somehow. I see lasting effects on all of them and it kills me.
I miss mom, my grandma, grandpa, great grandma, my grandfather-in-law Harold, grandmother-in-law Idalene and I miss the noise when everybody was together, everybody laughing and carrying on. I guess when you get older and sick you just have time to think.
We went to see the Mr. Rogers movie. I cried all the way through. It's like when you get older, all the stuff you bottled up for a lifetime just hits and you wish you had somebody that gentle to confide in. You go through life pretending nothing mattered and ignoring what happened to you and then boom, there it all is and out it comes down your cheek.
First time in decades I'm not cooking. Lindsay and Shawn have work so only a few of us here. I just don't have the spirit to do it this time. I miss them and miss my other granddaughter a lot. Odd how it gets lonesome even with other people in the house, but I do.
I had hoped to hit the lottery before surgery to make sure I left them a pile of money, no such luck. Just some little life insurance policies.
Even my ex comes to mind. Had he not have lost his mind, we would be here enjoying kids and grandkids and getting old together. I know it wasn't my fault what he did, but doesn't make it any better. His actions affected everybody else too and it wan't fair to the kids. Oh to have a do over on everything. I think about my son who died and wonder if I could have changed it all somehow. I see lasting effects on all of them and it kills me.
I miss mom, my grandma, grandpa, great grandma, my grandfather-in-law Harold, grandmother-in-law Idalene and I miss the noise when everybody was together, everybody laughing and carrying on. I guess when you get older and sick you just have time to think.
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